C Bernadette, California, USA
Early Days
My dad who worked as an engineer in the oil rigs was out
most of my growing years and my mom literally brought up us three kids in sweat
and toil working as a school teacher. She loved people and her job, and perhaps
that is what made her students drawn to her like a magnet. We had friends
and family walking in and out of our hospitable home under the supervision of
my caring and welcoming mom. She was a generous and hospitable soul to the
point of tempting people to take advantage of her, and boy they did…to
everyone’s delight. We were flooded with memories of friends, neighbors and
family events even as our open door policy meant that our extended family grew
and grew.
The reason that I give you a background is because the
coming years were a stark contrast. I went from being a happy go lucky teenager
to one filled with doubts, hatred and fear. How did this happen? I had been
brought up as a Roman Catholic and was an outstanding Catholic, meaning I
usually went to Church, stood outside and passed time till service was done,
mostly as an obligation and then rushed back home.
My happy and bubbly self, being nourished by the love of an
ever generous mom meant that I blossomed and stood out all through high-school.
Since I moved from a school of higher academic goals, it meant that my current
school was a perfect environment to groom me to be a leader of my school group.
As captain and a popular personality in school, I had many loyal fans and
followers. My mom believed in me and over time she helped me realize that she
had bigger dreams for my future.
Broken Dreams
However these plans and aspirations were going to turn out
to be dreams. Because when I moved onto a very well reputed college in town, my
lack of focus and extracurricular activities meant that I failed in my grades.
I was heartbroken, the golden girl image was shattered and to add to the shame
I was reminded time and again of my failure even as I saw my best friends who
wanted to have nothing to do with me anymore. I lost myself.
It created in me a shame and fear that I never experienced
before and caused me to become an introvert. I started to over analyze people
and circumstances and took it personally when things were said in good humor.
Generally my mindset was so unsettled that I became a wreck. At every turn I
felt chastising eyes on me, taunting me and telling me that I was worthless and
would not amount to anything in life. Over and over again I saw my younger
sister blossom and amass a huge number of friends, but it never happened to me.
Granted that we were two different personalities, but in this frame of mind I
was not thinking straight.
This feeling of fear and paranoia caused me in time to
withdraw and start to be rude to people around me. Of course, the few friends
that I had withdrew and held their peace. However, I started to test how
genuine people’s love for me was, and was disappointed again and again at how
fickle I thought it was. Except for one person, my wonderful mom. She was a
sweet kind soul who put up with my tantrums, moods and demands. Over time she
was also running out of patience and I definitely don’t blame her. But my
second attempt at completing my first grade of college was not a happy time. It
was 12 months of extreme pain and suffering.
It was now Summer, and we lived in a huge garden where the
compound surrounded 7,000 square feet of fruit orchard and trees and we
were used to enjoying the nature outside. As usual my day began and ended with
racing thoughts of worthlessness, lack of purpose and blaming/questioning God
for bringing me to this Earth. I just hated to be alive, what was the point of
it all. I literally withdrew into a shell that I made for myself and agonized
over everything.
I recalled that in the past few days, there was one
question that kept racing in my mind. I hated people, because of the evil they
did and prided in myself as being the victim. I never acknowledged my own sins
in my pain, but rather had become the accuser pointing out everyone’s weakness
and sin. I felt that I was above all of these evil people, and could not
understand why they were so happy when I was not. The next question was, like
Job I asked God, "Why did you create me?" To be the object of
being ridiculed and brow beaten and oppressed upon. I did not understand and
suffered in mind and body over these two questions. Of course, in my arrogance
I asked “Whoever created me, show me Yourself, if there is a God, you better
reveal Yourself!" Little did I know that’s what He was about to do!
He Touched Me!
So this was my frame of mind even as I rolled out my
mat under the branches of our delicious Mango tree and laid my head down and
fell asleep. It was under those branches that something magical happened to
me.
I had a strange experience, like a flash of thoughts where
I started to see events in my life where I hurt someone or did something that
was not right. It played out one after the next, till I was frozen in dismay.
The feeling’s of superiority and better than everyone else quickly dissipated
into a flood of tears. I finally, for the first time in my life saw myself for
who I was was. Naked, Poor and Sinful. I just cried in loud heartrending sobs,
and no one heard me given that everyone was busy, but there was something
happening within me that I’d never experienced before. I was for the first time
brought into the presence of a God who radiated Love and Healing. It was a
tangible experience, of having a Light come into my heart and soul. There was
distinctly a Person who came inside of me and I could literally feel His
presence from that point on.
I realized that I was a sinner, and then I had in my heart
a Love for everyone that was above and beyond I had ever felt. My heart just
swelled to overflowing with this delightful, bright and light feeling of being
loved, belonging and of being able to finally understand everything. I realized
that I was the culprit and not the others around me. I was able to see what
everyone needed and to understand the world in the eyes of God, to some extent.
I felt a driving force to meet the needs of the people around me and to rejoice
and enjoy the presence of the one inside me. We talked, we communicated and we
existed like nothing else mattered.
Eventually when I went back home everyone could tell the
difference. Gone was my old crabby self, instead was this confidence, radiance
and love that poured out from me to everyone around me. Things that would have
rattled me in the past, did not have that hold on me anymore. I was over it! I
never rushed, I spoke to people and gave them the time to finish their sentence
without interrupting. It made me understand that very few people actually
listen to others, they are rather busy rushing off to the next thing. And, that
the most that people needed was to be loved, understood and to be able to speak
their mind. So to this end, my new rebirth began.
Even though I never realized that it was Jesus, remember I
was a Catholic but not a practicing one, so I really never did connect the
dots. However when I went to church the next time, it was an experience that I
will never forget. Just stepping in front of the Church in the Church grounds
caused my heart to leap with joy. The same force that I felt came flooding all
over me, goosebumps came over me, and the presence of Jesus finally made me
realize that it was He who had touched my soul under the Mango tree. He was the
God who created things and who filled my heart, mind and soul with this love
and light. That service was etched in my mind, where everything that the priest
did and said took a whole new meaning. I realized the price that Jesus Christ
paid for us on the Cross and it literally made me cry in public in the midst of
the Mass. The Mass came alive to me, Jesus’s presence was tangible and the Holy
Spirit my helper was teaching me new truths faster than my mind could grasp.
People started to seek me out, I started to move powerfully
in lives that needed transformation and relied internally on the Holy Spirit to
give me guidance and strength to make the right decisions on a daily basis.
However, this feeling of Joy and Strength diminished over time. I felt the
other earthly urges come over me, and soon even as I started to pay less heed
to God’s Holy Spirit, His presence within me decreased day by day. Eventually I
lost that result of the experience with meeting Jesus Christ.
My Walk Uphill
However I was now a 100% believer, I knew Jesus Christ was
real, God was real and He loved me and was watching over me. Little did I know
that He was preparing me for a long and hard journey that started with me
losing my mom to a long battle with cancer, which was a very difficult loss as
I was very close to my mom. Then, my brother underwent a spell of
depression soon after my mother’s demise. My father was unable to manage the
needs and demands made in the absence of my mom, the breadwinner, resulting in
acute physical abuse on a daily basis. I eventually had to work in a call
center in unearthly hours to put food on our table right after college. Young
as I was, the presence of Jesus and God never left me. It comforted me, healed
me, provided for me and most importantly, blessed me.
I joined Bible College, both in different congregations and
have been fortunate enough to have amazing pastors and influences in my life
that made it easier for me to understand the wisdom of the Bible. I’ve been so
excited that I have been able to celebrate and enjoy the presence of God in
praise and worship.
As a believer, I don’t believe in denominations or a
specific group of people to be an ideal environment but rather encourage you to
grow right where God has placed you. The relationship you have with Him is
personal, it is composed of actions, not words. It means eating humble pie, and
about facing the unknown and taking a chance. It’s about stepping off the ledge
knowing God will carry you in His arms and will take care of you.
Today I live in California in the United States, supposedly
a land of plenty, but actually a spiritual graveyard where lives are lost due
to the low moral values, and the vices and sins that abound. I am married, have
a wonderful husband and a precious little son. Yet due to that spiritual
mist I see around me, each day I question God, as to why He brought me here.
Did I come here by accident? And to this day He responds - No, you are here
because I called you to come here. You have a purpose, I have a calling for you
here.
There are times when I do struggle spiritually finding it
difficult to pick up the Bible and read, that is a struggle and also physically
I have got an arthritic pain in my right arm that keeps me from typing and I do
type with pain. My hope is in my Lord. He is my Provider, my Redeemer and
my Refuge. I see Him work in lives around me. I see Him use my life and family
in powerful ways bringing the light of Christ to families around us. I fall, I
stumble and I get into a dark place at times. But, He always brings me back to
Him, with Hope and Wisdom He guides me one day at a time.
There are 2 things that I’d like you to take away today.
1. Be impactful in the purpose of your life, apply the Word
to your life. At least try your level best and even as you grow close, He will
grow closer as well.
2. Learn a little more about Jesus today, become closer to
Him today than yesterday.
I end this testimony with a verse that keeps me going day
after day, even when I doubt myself.
Ephesians 3:20
Glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us
is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream
of-infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.
About Bernadette
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Only God is the true converter of a human soul. No human can convert anyone. It is God's Spirit to a human's spirit that converts.
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